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In today's sex-obsessed society, "love" and sex go together. If you really love someone, you have sex with them. This series of articles argues the opposite. Sexual relationships are different to other kinds of relationships. God has always intended sex to be enjoyed between one man and one woman, who have promised to spend their lives together. That's where love and sex go together. Other kinds of relationships are also deep and intimate – they’re loving. But outside of marriage sex and love don't go together. In fact, outside marriage, love means we deliberately avoid sex.

In my previous article in this series, we looked briefly at the problem of sexualised cross-gender relationships. Here, we're going to look at the problem of sexualised same-gender relationships – homosexuality. Most of the references in this article will be masculine, because most of the biblical material refers to men. But I think the principles are equally applicable to women.

The Bible is very positive towards same-gender relationships. The story of Cain and Abel in Genesis 4 shows we're supposed to "keep" – that is, protect, guard – our brothers, not murder them! Jonathan protected David from his father Saul's murderous rage, even endangering his own life (1 Sam 20, esp. verse 33). Jesus shared his life with the twelve disciples. Paul didn't minister on his own, he usually had a team with him. Paul commanded the Roman church to "be devoted to one another in brotherly love" (Rom 12:10). He commended the Thessalonians (1 Thess 4:9-10) and Philemon (Phm 1:7) for such love, and told his Philippian brothers how much he loved and longed for them (Phil 4:1). Peter encouraged his readers to love each other as brothers and sisters (1 Pet 1:22; 2:17; 3:8; 2 Pet 1:7). John went as far as to make such love a test of being a true Christian (1 John 2:10; 3:14, 16; 4:20-21).

Healthy same-gender love supports healthy cross-gender love. Paul slides seamlessly between encouraging the Thessalonians to avoid sexual immorality (1 Thess 4:1-8), and encouraging them to increase their "brotherly love" (4:9-10). The writer to the Hebrews encourages them to "keep on loving each other as brothers" (Heb 13:1), and part of that is "marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure" (Heb 13:4).

These same-gender friendships have unique joys, which the joys of marriage and sex cannot provide. This is why David and Jonathan made a covenant together (1 Sam. 18:3; 20:16; 23:18), and why David could say of Jonathan, his "brother", that his love was "more wonderful than that of women" (2 Sam 1:26). Proverbs 18:24b literally says there is a "loving man" – most translations translate it as "friend" – who sticks closer than a brother.

This shows that same-gender relationships are supposed to be intimate and passionate. We're supposed to care deeply for each other, to get to know each other well, and to stick with each other through thick and thin. But, these relationships aren’t sexual. Brothers aren't supposed to have sex with each other. They're supposed to have sex with their wives.

Did the references above to David and Jonathan, and to the "loving man" of Proverbs, make you think of a homosexual couple? If it does, it means that you’ve been sucked in by the sexualisation of friendship. These days, it's just taken for granted: if you really love someone, of either gender, you’ll sleep with them.

Such an attitude is actually un-loving and relationship-destroying. It wrecks our ability to have healthy, non-sexual relationships with people of our own gender. And it also wrecks our relationships with people of the opposite gender – relationships that could, in the context of marriage, be sexual.

Biblically, a man and a woman are to have sex with each other (Gen 2:24; Matt 19:3-9 & parallels; Eph 5:22-33). Biologically, our bodies are wired to have sex with the opposite gender, not the same gender. Male and female sexual organs are compatible – they fit together, and work together well. When a man and a woman have sex, they give each other pleasure, bond in relationship, and create new life: they have babies. In contrast, homosexual sexuality cannot create new life – it cannot form babies. Furthermore, homosexual sexual activity forces the body do things it wasn’t designed to do, and therefore has a higher likelihood of causing injury and spreading disease. The LGBT[1] health website says:

What's the solution? The solution is to recapture the joys of deep, intimate, non-sexual same-gender relationships.

Women are often better at doing this than men are. Women bond with each other instinctively, because they’re naturally more verbal and relational. That's really good – keep it up, girls. And as you talk, when you’re honest and open with each other, respect the confidentiality of what’s said. Be careful of gossip – it really breaks trust.

Christian men in particular need to learn how to talk honestly with each other, listen carefully to each other, and genuinely feel affection for each other, without worrying about being gay or metrosexual. This doesn't compromise our masculinity, it affirms it. Blokes don’t bond over tea and scones. They bond while tinkering with a car engine, or climbing rocks, or crunching each other in a rugby tackle. But we need to talk and share with each other, not just grunt and thump each other.

Homosexuality sexualises friendship. And in so doing, it actually misses out on both the goodness of sex with the other gender, and the goodness of friendship with the same gender. A man is supposed to be brother to other men, not lover. A woman is to be sister to other women, not spouse. Let’s recapture the joys of deep, non-sexual same-gender relationships.

By Kamal Weerakoon

[1] LGBT = Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transsexual.
[2] Stanley J. Swierzewski III, 'Anal Cancer in Gay and Bisexual Men' (accessed 14 September 2009). The academic research into this phenomenon is well accepted. See, for example, Janet R. Daling et al., 'Sexual practices, sexually transmitted diseases, and the incidence of anal cancer', New England Journal of Medicine 16/317 (1987): 973-977; Janet R. Daling et al, 'Correlates of Homosexual Behavior and the Incidence of Anal Cancer', Journal of the American Medical Association 14/247 (1982): 1988-1990; J. M. Palefsky et al., 'Anal squamous intraepithelial lesions in HIV-positive and HIV-negative homosexual and bisexual men: prevalence and risk factors', Journal of Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome and Human Retrovirology, 4/17 (1998): 320-6.