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In my previous article, I drew a distinction between relationships where sex is appropriate, and where it is not. Love and intimacy are appropriate for friendship, and for Christian brotherhood/sisterhood – but sex is not. Sex belongs exclusively in marriage.

We need healthy relationships with people of the opposite gender. Jesus had good relationships with women: Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42; John 11), Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Susanna, and others (Luke 8:2-3). Paul lists many women in his greetings in Romans 16, and says Rufus’ mother had been a mother to him also (v 13). But these men always treated women with absolute sexual purity. They are examples of what Paul told young Timothy to do: treat "younger women as sisters, with absolute purity" (1 Tim 5:2). Girls: the inverse applies to you.

Today's hyper-sexualised society has messed up this distinction between friendship and sex. Friends can have 'casual sex', or 'recreational sex', with each other – that is, sex which is focused purely on physical pleasure, with no deeper relational purpose behind it. Sex has become just a fun thing that friends can do together – like going bowling or playing table tennis.

But, like I said in my Salt article, this just doesn’t work. Biologically, we’ve been wired to bond with the people we have sex with.[1] So, if we treat non-Christians as friends, and other Christians as brothers and sisters, and treat everyone with sexual purity, then we're actually treating each other in a healthy way. We will be treating each other with the dignity and value that God intended us to, while the world is sick and de-humanising.

This will have two effects. We will be happy and healthy, because our relationships with the opposite gender will be characterised by mutual trust and respect, rather than exploitation. We can genuinely care deeply about people of the opposite gender, without having to sleep with them. If we're single, we'll be able to have girls or boys who are our friends – good friends, intimate friends – even if they're not our girlfriend or boyfriend. If we’re married, we'll be able to have friends of the opposite gender, without threatening our relationship with our spouse. In fact, our love for our friends means we don't want to have sex with them. It's not that kind of relationship.

And, this mutual respectful love will be evangelistic. As the world watches us, they'll see that we can actually love each other without using each other. That will itself be attractive – people will want to have what we have. Well, we hope they will. Chances are they’ll just feel threatened, and abuse us anyway. But that’s when we just shrug and turn the other cheek.

We are people, made in God's image, to be loved and cared for. As Christians, we are brothers and sisters in Christ, to be spurred on to love and good deeds (Heb 10:24). We are not sexual objects, to be 'hit on', and used for our own sexual jollies. As we live these kinds of relationships in the Christian community, we will be profoundly healthy, honour Christ, and witness to a watching world.

By Kamal Weerakoon

[1] Dawn Eden, 'Casual sex is a con: women just aren’t like men', 14 January 2007, (accessed 6 August 2009).