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In this series of articles, we've been looking at the difference between relationships where sex is appropriate – marriage – and relationships where it's not – friendship, or Christian brotherhood/sisterhood. The basic point of these articles has been that we can have relationships, with both our own gender and the opposite gender, which are intimate and affectionate, but not sexual. Contemporary society, by sexualising everything, actually ruins our ability to have healthy relationships with anyone.

But how do we move from one kind of relationship – brother and sister in Christ – to the other – husband and wife? How do we move from friends to lovers?

In biblical times, marriages were a family affair. The parents of the young couple negotiated on their behalf. Sometimes the groom's parents chose his wife and arranged the marriage. Hagar found an Egyptian wife for Ishmael (Gen 21:21), and Judah found Tamar as a wife for his son Er (Gen 38:6). Sometimes the young man fell in love with a particular girl and then asked his parents to arrange for them to be married. For example, Samson asked his parents to arrange for him to marry a Philistine woman (Judges 14:1-3). This parent-organised betrothal was almost as binding as marriage itself. That's why Joseph is called Mary’s 'husband', and why he planned to quietly 'divorce' her, even though they weren't actually married yet (Matt 1:19).

Arranged marriages are still normal in many countries today, including among the Christians in those countries. I personally know three Christian couples whose marriages were arranged by their parents. I can't see any difference between the quality of their marriages and that of other Christian couples who found each other on their own. Countries that have a tradition of arranged marriages have much lower divorce rates than countries which practice independent romance.[1] Want to try it? Ask your folks to have a look at the Sri Lanka Sunday Observer website.

What's that? You want to find your spouse on your own? Okay, let's talk about the normal Australian way of finding a spouse. You go to some social event. At that social event, you check other out the potentials from the opposite gender, and pick one that you're attracted to. You somehow get that person's contact details, either by impressing them at the event itself (flirting!), or through mutual acquaintances. You 'go out' – you see each other socially, just the two of you. If you decide you like each other, you get married and live happily ever after.

However, at every step in the developing relationship, we're 'performing'. We put on our best clothes, best cosmetics, and best behaviour. So the relationships that flow from these – the marriages – are also based on performance. We expect our spouse to be the perfect lover, to fulfil our fantasies of romance and sex. And when they don’t perform, we’re disappointed. If they continually under-perform, we deem them a failure, and seek satisfaction elsewhere.

Here's an alternative scenario. Let's say we know lots of Christians of the opposite gender – from church, the uni Christian group, and other fellowships. Let's say we make a deliberate effort to have healthy brother-sister relationships with a few of them. So we get to know them better, we understand their character and personality better, we understand their joys and struggles and dreams and fears, and we communicate with them with ease and openness. In all this, we treat them with dignity and respect – we don't flirt with them.

What are these relationships like? Well, we're not performing. We have nothing to prove. We're just being normal Christians, trying to genuinely care for each other according to each other’s needs. And we can watch how our friends treat other people – relatives, Christians, and non-Christians. We can pay special attention to how they treat people they don’t have to be nice to – like parents and siblings – and weak, marginalised people, and people outside their normal social sphere. Let’s say we see the fruits of the Spirit in them (Gal 5:22-23) and, as we see that, let's say our respect and affection for them grows and grows.

I think it's perfectly appropriate to ask one of them 'out'. That is, invite them to become more than a friend, to become your girlfriend/boyfriend, in order to find out whether the two of you could get married.

Dating for Christians is a funny thing. You’re more than just friends; but you’re not lovers either. You’re not yet married, not even engaged; but you're purposefully exploring whether you could get married. There's an exclusivity to the relationship – the two of you are considering getting married, and you're not considering that of anyone else – but it's not that exclusive, you haven't actually promised each other anything yet, your just – um – friends.

This is why a dating relationship may feel weird. Because – it is! It's this limbo, this in-between, where the two of you may feel like you don’t really know where you stand with each other.

Recognising this in-between-ness actually clears up some of the confusion. On the one hand, you’re not married yet. Sex is not appropriate. On the other hand, the purpose of 'going out' – as opposed to being 'just friends' – is to explore the possibility of being married eventually. Romance is good – Song of Songs is full of it – and dating involves romance, it'd be weird if it didn't. But we need to be careful that romantic passions don’t get out of control. So, meet in public – at a well-lit café, not in a car on a dark street – and be careful what you do with your hands. But being careful doesn’t mean squashing it entirely. Healthy romance can build deep emotional bonds between prospective partners that serve them well in their future married life.

Going out with someone out takes courage, because it's risky. You're exploring the possibility of marriage, but neither of you have made any promises to each other yet. Either of you are free to break it off. The other person needs to accept that, without anger or resentment. Promises only happen at engagement and at the wedding. Until then, there's an openness, an uncertainty, that's just part of this strange in-between-ness we call ‘dating’.

Here's where the quality of the relationship we already have with our brother or sister in Christ should help us. When we were relating as Christian brothers and sisters, we didn’t perform for them like a peacock (or peahen). We were just getting to know each other, and trying to genuinely care for each other. That should carry over to a dating relationship. We can talk honestly about our hopes and fears about what it would be like to spend the rest of our lives together. We can praise the other person about what we admire about them, and what attracted us to them. But we can also be frank about the aspects of their personality that really annoy us. And we need to humbly listen when they tell us about our quirks and eccentricities! Because we're more interested in caring for each other, and respecting each other, than getting our own way, we won’t push each other to do things we're not ready for yet. Furthermore, since we already know each other well, even if we want to break it off, we’ll do it gently, because we care about the other person.

This kind of dating relationship will set up good patterns for marriage. You’ll be listening to each other, talking honestly to each other, and enjoying appropriate romance. Even if you don’t end up marrying each other, this kind of relationship will cultivate godly character in both of you.

Having strong friendships with other people – especially the same gender – can also help. We can tell them how the dating relationship is going, and share our fears and hopes with them. And they can help put us back together if things don’t go well, and we break up.

One of the most stressful moments in dating is asking someone out for the first time. I don't think it's sinful for a girl to ask a guy out. But, guys: we need to grow a spine! I hold to the principle of male leadership of churches. That means that, as a broad principle, men lead people – including our sisters in Christ – into godliness. For this series of articles, that means that we men must take the lead in treating women with respect and dignity, not as sexual objects. And take the lead in having open, intimate, affectionate, but non-sexual relationships with girls. And take the risk of asking one of those girls out. And if they say "yes", take the lead in deepening that relationship with appropriate honesty and romance.

How do we move from friends to lovers? You could always get an arranged marriage. But if you do opt for that strange in-between world of dating, let's do it as Christians. As girlfriend and boyfriend, let's relate in ways that set good patterns for marriage, and cultivate godly character in each other, whatever the outcome of the dating relationship might be.

By Kamal Weerakoon

[1] For example, the divorce rate in India is 1.1% compared with Australia (40%) and the USA (50%). (Source: www.divorcerate.org, accessed 21 September 2009.) The Indian divorce rate has been increasing recently, due in part to a "new cultural obsession with romance and personal fulfillment [which] has raised the bar for a happy marriage". (Hanna Ingber Win, 'India: Divorces Become More Common As Romance Gains Importance', 23 April 2009 (accessed 21 September 2009).)

There isn't much academic research on arranged marriages. The one paper I found said there was no statistically significant difference in marital satisfaction between Indians in arranged marriages and Americans in independent-choice marriages. At least this means arranged marriages are no worse than independent choice. (Jayamala Madathil and James M. Benshoff, 'Importance of Marital Characteristics and Marital Satisfaction: A Comparison of Asian Indians in Arranged Marriages and Americans in Marriages of Choice', The Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families, 16/3 (2008): 222-230.)

A 2007 Today Tonight article argues that arranged marriages are more likely to last for the long run, because they lend themselves to "perseverance … appreciation of values without constraints … lack of expectations and no preconceptions". (Laticia Gibson, 'Are arranged marriages better?', 6 July 2007 (accessed 21 Sept 09).)