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Sex & Friendship
Sexual relationships are different to friendship. When you have sex with someone, they become more than a friend: they become a lover. Even if you're not actually having sex with someone, if you're in a romantic relationship with them – 'going out' as boyfriend and girlfriend – it’s a different kind of relationship from being 'just friends'. This distinction is very useful in guiding our behaviour.
The Bible is very clear: all people, male and female, of every country, tribe and ethnic group, from every trade, profession and social class, share a common humanity. We are all made in God's image (Gen 1:27), from a common parentage (Acts 17:26: "from one man", or "from one blood"). Therefore, we can be friends with anyone. In fact, we should be as friendly as we possibly can, with as many people as we possibly can, within the bounds of our physical limitations.
Within the Christian community – our churches, or our university fellowships – the bonds are even tighter. We are united by Christ's blood. God is our Father, and we are brothers and sisters to each other. As brothers and sisters, we’re supposed to be intimate with each other: we’re supposed to know each other so well that we can confess our sins to each other (James 5:16). This brother-sister relationship is also meant to be passionate: we are to "love one another deeply, from the heart" (1 Pet 1:22). And this relationship should be sacrificial and costly: the church in the book of Acts shared everything, giving up their own possessions for other church members (Acts 2:44-45; 4:32, 34-35).
But – and this is an important 'but' – these relationships aren't sexual. God has always intended sex to be enjoyed between one man and one woman, who have promised to spend their lives together. Genesis 2:22-25 is the prototypical marriage: one man, one woman, one flesh.
Aha, you say, but what about polygamy in the Old Testament? Yes, it's there, but God never approves of it. In fact, it always leads to problems. Abraham sleeping with Hagar caused friction between Hagar and Sarah (Gen 16:4-6), and later between Isaac and Ishmael (21:8-10). Jacob's twelve sons, who form the twelve tribes of Israel, are born in the midst of Rachel and Leah, Jacob's two wives, competing for their husband’s affection (Gen 29 & 30). Solomon's wives led him away from God, into idolatry (1 Kings 11). Polygamy is never approved of by God; it leads to dysfunctional families and rampant sin.
Getting back's to be enjoyed between one man and one woman, for the whole of their lives together. Other relationships of friendship, and Christian brotherhood/sisterhood, are good and necessary. But they're not meant to be sexual or romantic. Sex and romance is meant for your lover, not your friend, nor your brother/sister in Christ.
I hope this distinction helps us in at least three areas: (1) healthy cross-gender relationships; (2) healthy same-gender relationships; and (3) dating and romance. We'll examine each of these in upcoming articles.
